I am.

The very first thoughts from when we wake up may make or break our day. It is a nice practice to show gratitude for all that you have and all that you may be protected from.

Here are some affirmations that make me happy, smiley, and aware of all the goodness that I truly am. And so are YOU.

I am beautiful.

I am selfless.

I am kind.

I am a giver.

I am full of God’s love.

I am love.

I am sunshine and his warmth.

I am the moonlight and her coolness.

I am the fragrance of sweet flowers.

I am abundant.

I am blessed.

I am happy.

I am full.

I am strong.

I am alive.

I am vibrant as the rainbow.

I am important.

“I am” thoughts are a wonderful way to channel a different energy and believe all the positive characteristics you possess. Our mind can sometimes block us from seeing our worth.

Remember, you are your thoughts. Be kind to yourself. Love yourself. Let me know what some of your affirmations are. May the universe reward you. You are love. You are beautiful. You are blessed. 💜

Tears.

The tears fall out of your eyes like a million jewels

They drench your face, stabbing and creating little scars as they drag down

As you weep more, they cause more pain and bleed out the words that you are unable to say

They sink slowly but surely and land with heaviness on your chest that threatens your very existence in a world that’ll look right through you

I see the scars from the years past, and the never ending droplets write a new story each time engraving itself on your beautiful, but tired face

Your eyes look down defeated and worn out from the pain

The intricate wave of stories on your face stick out in the tiny wrinkles forming at the corners of your eyes, around the top of your nose and outsides of your weary smile

Once it’s made it’s imprint, you slowly examine yourself in the mirror, touching your face and the remnants of the everlasting sadness that’ll never clear up.

You look up to God and ask why? You ask him the reason for the radiating pain that goes from your heart and sears through your veins until it infests itself in your mind and soul and drains out through the corners of those lovely, solemn eyes

Despite everything all you hear is silence. You sit in silence, wondering and questioning as those tiny daggers don’t fail to leave their mark.

Standing up you wipe those tears, drag their razor sharp tips across your face and let them dig deep. Take your best shot you tell em. You wipe your face from the invisible blood that drenches your body.

You wipe away the fear that is hidden under the expectations from those that put you down.

You wipe away the hope that one day someone will come and rescue you away from it all.

The truth of it all is that it only you that can be your own hero and save yourself from the hurt that is stabbed into your heart and tattooed in the reflection that stares back.

But you never forget as the cycle never fails to interrupt your life and rewrite itself time and again on the once flawless skin that has aged and grown accustomed to the pain and suffering.

My Eyes.

The day I was born, I was blessed with vision. My eyes took their first glance at the world. The world was beautiful. There were so many colors. So much movement. But also the most important beings, my mommy and my daddy.

Then I grew older. The colors continued to grow. I even got to learn to name these colors. I learned how to name the facial features we all share. I named all the animals I learned about. I even learned to name those that I loved. My mommy, my daddy, my sister and my brother!

Then I grew in to my teens. Now my eyes began to see something different. The colors began to dull. My eyes learned tears. Tears that silently adorned my face so no one would see them. My eyes learned to look behind my glasses to see a bit clearer. The world was not nice like when I was younger. This world had changed. My eyes learned how to react to fear. My eyes wished to unsee hate. My eyes stung from angry tears and pain-tinged tears. My eyes desired to go back to when all I knew was love.

Then my eyes had a turning point. I grew up. My eyes focused on the words in front of me. My eyes learned of things to help me with my future. My eyes try to unlearn all the hate. My eyes instead tried to focus on the colors again. My eyes tried to refocus and change my perspective. Things that I experienced sometimes are not my fault but are a representation of someone else’s insecurities they lashed out at me.

My eyes grew. Although in reality I grew more blind, the corrective lenses often sought to correct the real world.

My eyes learned to forgive. My eyes instead saw others pain. My eyes taught love. No matter what cards I was dealt, I continued to let the tears run down my face and the stains stayed stamped from the previous path left by all of the damage.

This time my eyes saw another side. All of our eyes have seen things we wish we could unsee. My eyes wished to erase these memories from others. My eyes wished to see things from a different perspective.

As I’ve grown older and wiser, my eyes see differently. My eyes see all colors but that is not my focus. My eyes see no judgment, because I no longer care about what I am labeled. My eyes only see the soul. My eyes see the heart. My eyes see the light. My eyes see the dark. But this time, my eyes will not lose sight of what’s important. My eyes will always be understanding. My eyes will try to heal. My eyes will always see love.

I am open.

I am running with my arms wide open when coming at the world.

I am open to the Universe and what she is bringing to me.

I am open to the happiness that awaits me.

I am open to the bright sun that warms my skin, heart, and soul.

I am open to the rain that comes with promises of washing away all the negativity that threatens me and cleansing me.

I am open to the new beginnings that bring forth new hope.

I am open to the night that so that I can see the moon illuminate my path during the dark periods.

I am open to the innocence and laughter of children.

I am open to the wise words of the elderly.

I am open in my own heart as it tries to help with my life mission.

I am open to all of God’s blessings, messages and guidance from my angels.

I am open to love.

Inhale love. Exhale love. Love.

Gratitude.

Dictionary.com defines gratitude as: “the quality of being thankful; readiness to show appreciation for and to return kindness.”

Being thankful to the universe, God, or the source you believe that protects and guides you in life, can alter your perception from seeing your glass half full instead of half empty.

Throughout life we have many ups and downs. The hardest thing for me to learn was that I will not be able to control everything that happens to me in life. No matter how much positivity you exude, there will be days full of sadness, negativity, anger, hurt, pain, etc.

This doesn’t necessarily mean you have attracted those episodes in life. It can be seen as lessons that need to be learned. Or if you switch the position of where you’re standing when facing a problem, you might just see that in the long run, what you deem as world shattering might just be a blessing in disguise.

Sometimes we fail to take a step back and see the bigger picture. At times we may be used as a pawn or casualty to reach someone else. Or we may be the angel that catapults things into action by working as the means for someone to get to their end goal. Maybe, we might be the one undergoing a change that is required to reach a higher frequency in life.

Whatever your experience may be, learn to be grateful. Learn to give thanks no matter what your circumstance. For even after a storm, you witness a beautiful rainbow. After the pain of labor, you hold the sweet creation of love in your arms. After sleepless and tiring nights, you feel the love and joy of being together as a family.

As you continue to give thanks, you will be rewarded by the universe. You attract all the gratitude back in to your own life. The universe thanks you for not fighting what she sees fit to get you closer to your goal. The road may be bumpy, but finding your purpose will be worth it.

Give thanks to be able to help others and to be helped yourself. We meet countless souls that are driving just to get safely to their destination. Be kind. Even if someone may not return it, right the wrong and fight everything with love.

Gratitude will give you patience to accept all of life’s blessings without any expectations. May God continue to see you through your trials. May you keep a positive attitude. May you keep a smile in the face of adversity. May you keep your head held high when the world threatens to bring you down. In all of this, keep that thanks for come what may and you will be rewarded for keeping your faith that you are earning everything you need in life. Remember, everything happens for a reason.

Thank you for your support and reading my blog. Have a blessed and beautiful day!

Helpless.

“I don’t want to die from this pneumonia!”

She was in her 80s. She was just fine the day before. She was totally alert and with it. She could walk and do everything on her own. She was so sweet and nice to me.

The next day those were the traumatizing words I heard from a patient. Her condition changed within a day. She worsened. I thought she’d be one of the ones who might make it! She’d be able to go home.

But I was wrong.

Covid chooses the victims and how deadly it will be.

That night she screamed “I don’t want to die from this pneumonia!” I didn’t know how to respond. I reassured her I was going to do everything I could to help her not die. She started getting anxious and restless which worsened her breathing. She truly didn’t want this to be her last day.

Her oxygen saturation’s began to drop to 60%, while optimally you want this number to be 92 and above. She was already on high flow oxygen but the next step was BIPAP, a mask that would cover her nose and mouth and push air into her lungs so she could breathe effectively. After getting the doctors order, the respiratory therapist fitted her with the BIPAP. Her oxygen levels finally started to go up.

I reassured her. I held her hand. I whispered a prayer.

This wasn’t the same woman I met the night before. She was confused. She wasn’t able to get up anymore because any activity would allow her sats to drop and be burdensome to her heart and lungs. I could see the fear in her eyes. She did not want to die.

After a few moments she began screaming again, this time for her son. I felt so helpless! The family was aware that the patient might pass, but not this soon. She was supposed to be placed in comfort care the next day and go home so she could see them!

Please make it! Please survive the night! Please God let her not die from this COVID!!!

I tried to calm her down. She kept taking off the BIPAP, so since she wasn’t tolerating it we had to put her back on the high flow oxygen.

I gave an update to the primary nurse on what occurred during her break. However, my mind was still hearing those words as I continued to give a break to my other colleagues.

The time came for another break for the same nurse. She wanted me to give this patient an anti anxiety medication to help calm her down. This was about two hours after the initial meeting. Before I could even take the medication and draw it up. The other nurses told me that the patient went asystole on telemetry. There was no longer a heartbeat. Upon assessing the patient, she was no longer breathing.

Her chilling words came back as tears welled up in my eyes. I felt so helpless. I failed her. I couldn’t keep her alive. She was gone. Her family didn’t meet her. Her final wishes of not dying and wanting to meet her son didn’t happen.

What could I have done differently? How could I have saved her? How did this happen so fast? Why….so many questions erupted in my mind.

Until this day. I hear her words: “I don’t want to die from this pneumonia!” She screamed it out to me. She was scared. She wasn’t in control. As a healthcare professional, we can treat but we cannot cure. I felt so helpless. I felt a loss. I am grieving all those that we cannot save. It deeply saddened my soul as I walked out of the room, defeated.

Another soul lost. Another book of memories shelved. Another one that lost the battle. When will this stop?

But then again, is this all just an excuse and is covid the disguised reason of death? Would someone’s time still have been limited from any other reason if not covid? My mind wanders so far. I don’t hold the answers. Only God knows. I pray for the souls that we lost while I continue to try to be a warrior and fight to keep our patients alive. I hope all the suffering ends. I hope we find a cure. I hope we beat this all together. I hope.

If anyone has lost someone to covid, my heart goes out to you. I hope God gives you healing. I hope your loved one is watching over you. They aren’t suffering anymore. Sending you hugs full of love 💕

Good Morning.

Good morning world!

We use these words to wish someone a great start to their day. But have you ever used it to wish good morning to this world? To your home? To the plants? To the morning sky as the moon finally lies to sleep herself and the sun threatens to share his rays of warmth to awaken each creature within his reach?

I woke up early today. Prayed and gave thanks to God for another beautiful day. I had a few moments of mindfulness. Did some yoga to help with my back. And provided water as nourishment to my body.

But something called me outside to my front yard.

The cool crispness of the outside world hit my face and although I wanted to shiver, I welcomed the icy feeling that actually helped my eyes to focus. My alertness grew to the stillness of the trees and their almost bare branches, to the instant movement caught by my peripheral vision of graceful birds, and the subtle songs heard by some of these birds from afar.

Good morning to all of God’s creatures.

Just as I watered my body to start the day, I turned on the sprinklers and hose to waken the grass and plants that live with me. I thanked them for their brightness, their will to live, and the beauty they offer me each day. I hope they stretched just as I did. I hope they quenched their thirst with the flowing water our Mother Earth provides us with unfailingly. How lucky we are compared to those that must think before drinking.

I hope they feel their cold fingertips growing warm as heat comes from within the center of their heart. We got another chance. To live. To breathe fresh air. To be able to visualize God’s miracle. And to feel all the love that this world exudes and fills our cups with.

May you wish someone or some thing else a good morning and attract all the goodness you put out. Have a blessed day and make sure to make it count! Open your mind and heart and don’t forget to count all the miracles that may go unnoticed but are headed your way.

Morning mourning.

Sometimes we might wake up in a certain mood. Most of the time I try to wake up happy, pray to God for thanks of another day, and begin the day in high spirits.

Today, I woke up sad. I am mourning this morning. I woke up heartbroken. There’s so much going on in the world that is making me SO sad. My heart and mind is overfilling with anxiety, sadness, lack of motivation and I’m trying not to lose hope for this world. As the tears spill from eyes and slowly roll down my cheeks, I have to remember the good.

Without the bad, I wouldn’t be able to appreciate the good. So I know it is ok to sometimes feel this way. My heart is so full of sadness, so empty of the positivity today. I feel sorry. I wish I could fix everything in the world. I wish I could take away others pains. I just wish.

As the tears dry up, the sun outside my window shines through the clouds. I know God is present. He is our present. He will get us all through whatever we might be going through. I needed this cleanse. I need to get back up and try. I have to have faith. May God continue to shine through all of ours hearts. May God’s will always win. I pray to you God, we need you. I pray that God help us through our worries. I pray that God take us out of the situations we are in. I pray that God gives us strength to withstand the things we feel we can’t. I pray that God hold us in his embrace and renew our hope. I pray that God touch us with His love.

It’s ok to feel overwhelmed with emotion.

I hope you fight through your battles with faith. Have a blessed day 🙏🏽

Gift.

Dictionary.com defines the word gift as “something given voluntarily without payment in return, as to show favor toward someone, honor an occasion, or make a gesture of assistance; present.”

What does “gift” mean to you? Is it about the things you get for your birthday or Christmas? Is it about the feeling of joy or happiness coupled with the thoughts one might have had when buying your present? Or does it mean more than the materialistic value that we attach to this word?

A gift can be many things. The key words that stands out to me in the definition mentioned above is “voluntarily without payment in return.” So when something is given to us, the provider of the gift expects nothing back! What a wonderful and altruistic deed.

To me, a gift that I receive daily is the new day brought forth from God. The gift of breathing. The gift of a home, family and friends! The gift of having a job and being able to keep food on the table. The gift of being able to open my eyes and visualize all of nature’s beauty and how much she gives without us even asking. The gift of my mind to be able to think for myself, offer my thanks and sing songs of glory and praise for God! The gift of having my tongue and to be able to speak words of affirmation and love. The gift of having legs to walk up to someone I love and having the gift of arms to hold them in a tight, never ending hug when we both need to feel close.

With people sheltering at home because of the pandemic and unable to see loved ones like they used to, it has been a hard year. Lives have been lost, mental health may not be the strongest, but we still received the gift of 2021! So happiest new year to you!

I know life can be tough. Life can be taken for granted. But 2020 taught me to appreciate the little things. I have learned to thank the universe more for everything she has delivered to me but also for the things that didn’t happen. For the protection that must not have been meant for me.

I hope the gift of having lived in to 2021 yields unbelievable miracles. You WILL be gifted all that is designed for you. Keep your mind positive. Keep thanking the universe for the good and bad lessons. Attract all that is yours. Keep an open mind and be positive!

Sending you lots of love, smiles and magic for your gifts to be presented to you in the most opportune time.

COVID.

This year definitely has been different! There have been both positives and negatives but today I wanted to focus on how Covid has affected my profession.

I am a Registered Nurse and I LOVE what I do. If I wasn’t in nursing, I honestly don’t know what else I would do with my life. Nursing has taught me about our beautiful bodies and how they can heal themselves. It has rewarded me with amazing lifetime friends. It has allowed me to have moments with colleagues at work. But the most important aspect of nursing is that it allowed me to channel my energy into always helping.

Since childhood, the one trait to follow me has been the desire to help anyone that comes across my path. With nursing I am able to help my coworkers but also the patients that come through our doors. That is the best gift that God could have given me. To use His teachings to provide a moment of comfort to our sick patients. My biggest rule for myself is to treat each patient as my own family. What would I want done for my family? To be an advocate and try to make them feel at home.

With Covid, the workflow has changed. We’re constantly bundled up from head to toe and the patient can’t really get to know who I am. Or even see the smile that I am trying to share with them. Our patients are sicker. And sadly, we can’t help everyone the way we would like to in a perfect world. Covid has allowed me to appreciate the “simpler” times of nursing, for the lack of a better word.

It has been hard because no visitors are allowed. So our patients are lonely. They’re feeling sick. They need the human touch. They need interaction. And all they have is us! The thing that Covid has helped me with is becoming a better listener. Sometimes all our patients need is an ear to hear about how they are truly feeling. They might pretend to put up a front for their families for fear of worrying them. Other times I’ve held a patients hand while they have cried because they miss their children. No matter what the topic, each individual leaves a little part of their history with me. They share their stories so I can add them to my collection pot.

I thank each patient because they allow me in to their personal lives. They teach me patience. They teach me about faith. They teach me resilience. But that is only one side of the story.

Covid has changed the definition of nursing. Something that I loved and looked forward to each and every day as a service to others, has become somewhat of a chore.

I am tired.

Don’t get me wrong. I am thankful that I have a job during this pandemic. But the extra stresses Covid has brought upon not only my body physically but mentally and emotionally are taking its toll. I feel burnt out. I feel like I am on this never ending routine of coming to work hyperalert. I go to work and assess all my patients and then see what my sickest one needs. Can I prepare and stop them from getting worse? Is there anything I can do to help them from dying? Sometimes the guilt of someone passing may reside; could I have done something different?!

Standing for practically your whole shift, wearing an airtight mask that might make you dizzy or nauseous, not getting any water or bathroom break until it’s your actual lunch, standing in these rooms for hours on end and always being in an adrenaline mode are some of the things that we experience every day. As a nurse, we prioritize the health and care of our patients before our own. It’s not that I don’t care about myself. It’s just that I am trying to prevent Covid from winning.

There are days I’ve kept my composure at work, when all I want to do is scream. There are days that my feet ache so bad but I have to push through it for the sake of the person lying on the other side of the door. There are days that I get into my car, take a breath of fresh air and bawl like a baby because the stress is finally spilling out of me. After releasing all of last nights work, I get right back up and go back to work. Why? Because I still love what I do. I love helping my coworkers. I love helping my patients. And I pray that all the little pieces my patients give to me, that I can offer them even a tiny glimmer of hope, love and encouragement to fight! To win the battle against Covid. To defeat it and have a healthy recovery. To be with family again.

I hate Covid! I’ll say it a million times. I don’t understand you or why you’ve come to harass us. But I can thank Covid for one thing. Covid has changed my perspective and taught me to love. Love my life. Taught me to live life like it truly might be my last day. Covid doesn’t differentiate between age, race, or how rich you might be. Covid might just be lurking and waiting for the right opportunity. But it won’t take away my desire to live life in a way that I can radiate all the love God has blessed me with.

To my reader: if you have lost someone or know someone that is sick with covid or an essential worker, I am truly and deeply sorry for what you are going through. I understand you. You are not alone. I am sending you lots of hugs, good vibes, prayers and love to help you through this rough time. Remember to live your life to the fullest (safely) because we are not promised tomorrow. Don’t take the people around you for granted. And if you need someone to talk to, I am here. ❣️